he told me I talked like a deaf person
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
