John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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