im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
