I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
