my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
