I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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