the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
