i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
