I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
