You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
