I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
