I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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