nut hugger
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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