sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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