I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
