every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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