then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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