I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
