new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
