my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
