Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I touched a dick in church today
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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