In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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