I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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