Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
