What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
