So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
