That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
