Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
