We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
