ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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