1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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