i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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