Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
