I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
pray to the hookup gods
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
