i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
