My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
