i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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