can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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