u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the liver wants what the liver wants
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
my liver is dry heaving
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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