May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
