true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When did angry sex become our thing?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
