I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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