One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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