I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
as a side note pls kill me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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