You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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