i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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