The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
false alarm, still single
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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