My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
there is puke in my bra ... again
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