Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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