dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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