Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
