I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
this is an emotional support booty call
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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