were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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