Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
