yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
