Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
